02. How it all started without me knowing

Sometimes I keep thinking about how many things we don't do simply because we don't feel capable, or because we feel insecure, especially when our story doesn't follow the script society tries to impose on us. That's why there are moments when we need a small push from the universe, or someone who bets on our potential, even before we believe in it.

The first time I traveled outside Brazil was to Colombia, with a 24 hour layover in Panama. Maybe that's common for many people, but in my context at that time, it completely changed my perspective on life. But for this story to make sense to you, I need to go back a few months.

In 2016, I lived in the suburbs of Rio de Janeiro and spent around six hours every day going back and forth between university, home, and work. I was interning at an advertising agency, and one of its main clients ended the contract. Soon after that, in my last month of college, I was told that after more than a year of dedication, I would not be hired.

So imagine: I was basically newly graduated, with an outdated portfolio, and now I had to re-enter the job market at a very hard moment. Brazil was going through an economic recession, with high unemployment, and before working at that agency, I had turned down a job offer at a big cosmetics company because, at the time, I decided I wanted to work in the digital field.

My luck is that, even though I was a graphic designer, I always liked going to events connected to technology. And it was at an event called Dev Beer, in downtown Rio, that I met a developer who, at the startup where he worked, needed a designer. We exchanged contacts and I got really excited about that opportunity. The salary wasn't high, but he said he would recommend me, and in that difficult moment, that made all the difference.

On my way back from that event, I was robbed at gunpoint on the way home. I remember it as if it was today. In the neighborhood where I lived, buses stopped running after 11 pm So I had to get off the main road and walk for 20 minutes on a dark and empty street. On the way, two cars with dark windows were parked next to each other, and one came in my direction. It stopped beside me, the man pointed a gun at my head, and told me to hand over my phone. I was so scared that I couldn't even open my bag, so I gave them everything I had.

After they took my bag, the car stopped and reversed back toward me. A couple who were coming back from church started yelling, "Girl, run, the car is coming back!" I was completely frozen, but I managed to run toward them and enter the house of complete strangers. I saw the car slowly pass in front of the house. In the end, the couple took me home safely, but I have to admit it took me months to recover from that trauma. Every time I saw a car with dark windows moving slowly, my heart would race and I would run across the street.

But life continued and, no matter the situation, I had a more urgent problem to solve: finding a job. So I applied for the role, did a case study, and decided that I definitely needed to move from where I was. This opportunity was perfect because it was in a neighborhood I dreamed of living in: Botafogo, one of the nicest neighborhoods in Rio de Janeiro.

A few days later, I was invited to the final interview stage at the startup with the CEO, and he questioned the fact that I lived so far away. I removed his objections when I said I was looking for rooms in the area and showed the street on the map. The funny thing is that later I found out I was chosen because, almost without thinking, I said I would move to the same neighborhood as the company.

That decision made half of my salary go to renting a small room, with an even smaller window, where almost no sunlight came in. But in exchange, I gained something I had never had before: time and access.

It was during this phase that I noticed something curious: I was Latina, but I didn't speak Spanish. That had never bothered me until I lived in that house and became friends with a girl from Honduras. She spoke Spanish and was doing her degree in Brazil. She introduced me to music, artists, and a whole universe I didn't know. I fell in love with reggaeton, at a time when Anitta still wasn't singing in that style. She showed me her country, talked about other countries in Central America, places I had never been curious enough to search for.

I had tried to learn English a few times, without much success. But Spanish sounded different. It was beautiful, familiar. That raised a question that kept echoing in my head: did I really understand myself as Latina? Why did I know so little about countries so close to mine, with stories so similar to my own?

Brazil is incredible, but it's also a bubble. The size of the country and the fact that we speak Portuguese creates a distance that is even bigger than the geographic one. Language connects cultures. And honestly, I don't know if most Brazilians consider themselves Latinos. I think many see themselves only as Brazilian. But the point was never that Spanish was important, it was English. There was pressure to learn English at any cost, with poor education at school for people who don't have money to invest in expensive courses. But that's a topic for another text.

The truth is I didn't like English, and I felt stupid for not being able to learn it. But with Spanish it was different. For the first time, I created a real connection with a language that wasn't mine. With that friendship, new meanings came: food she brought when she came back from Honduras, music, ways of dancing. Until I decided to learn Spanish. Not because I needed it, but because I wanted to. And that changes everything.

Remember when I said I now had time and access? For the first time in many years, I had time to socialize and do things beyond studying and making money. So, even spending half of my salary on rent, I put one thing in my head: I was going to travel to a Latin American country that wasn't Brazil. I made a list: Argentina, Colombia, Peru, and Chile.

I started following flight deal pages, downloaded HelloTalk, a language exchange app, and a friend from work recommended a social Spanish course at the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro. The course happened on Saturdays, with a single affordable fee every six months. To join, you had to be selected through a lottery. And luckily, I was chosen!

Living in Botafogo made many things easier. I didn't have to cross the city every day anymore. Now I could take a course without spending hours on crowded public transportation. I was happy with that progress. It's curious how life starts to make space when we change our perspective and have access to new possibilities.

One day, I saw a promotion to Machu Picchu on Instagram, on one of the pages I followed. It was one of the destinations on my list, and I immediately pictured myself there. I asked my boss for permission to buy the ticket, but he took too long to respond. In that time, the price went up and I lost the opportunity. I was very frustrated.

A short time later, a Colombian friend I met on HelloTalk told me about the Tatacoa Desert in Colombia. He said he was going there on a university trip because it's one of the best places in the world to observe stars, since it's close to the Equator. I was fascinated. And ironically, on the same day, I received a notification on my phone: a flight promotion to Bogotá!

The ticket cost around R$450 (about £80 at the time), round trip, with taxes and luggage included. This time, I acted on impulse. I bought it without thinking and without telling anyone. Crazy? Maybe. But it felt like the universe was conspiring in my favor, because everything fit.

Now I had only one single month to save money more intensely, ask my boss for approval, and organize my first international trip, being the first person in my family to do that. I had no idea how to do it, but it didn't matter. Now that I had the ticket, I had to make it happen.

The next day at work, I used the excuse that he had already approved my trip to Machu Picchu and that I had only changed the destination and the dates to Colombia. They reacted strongly because the trip was close and it was different from the previous destination they had approved. But I think I was so determined that I made a deal with them: I would travel while working and supervising the intern we had at the time. And, to my relief, they agreed.

When I told my mother, I heard many warnings to be careful. My mother is very fearful and sometimes I need to be careful so her advice doesn't become a brake on my life. But I knew it wasn't out of bad intentions. Colombia didn't really have a good reputation, especially with the popularity of the Netflix series Narcos about Pablo Escobar. Even so, I was so happy with the opportunity to leave the country for the first time that I didn't let those fears change my plans.

Now I had new priorities. Even though I could travel around Latin America using only my ID, I made a point of getting my passport in mid of 2017. I knew that was just the beginning. And I also liked the idea of collecting stamps. I have to admit I find it a little sad that entering many countries today is done electronically.

The truth is I didn't have money, and I carried the idea that traveling was expensive, but I started researching how backpackers traveled in an almost obsessive way. For three weeks, I followed a very strict routine. I cooked at home, didn't go out, didn't spend money. I paid for my passport, got the yellow fever vaccine, got the international certificate, and started learning everything I could about traveling on a low budget.

Every day I spent at least one hour on HelloTalk studying Spanish, researching possible places to go, and organizing everything on Google Maps. I would travel alone and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to communicate. My friend took me to Latin parties in downtown Rio and corrected me when I said something wrong, or taught me new words. She invited me to go out with her friends. Imagine a group of fifteen Hondurans and one Brazilian. That was us.

I changed my phone language to Spanish, started watching Spanish series, and for the first time, I felt a real connection and real progress with learning a language.

When the day of the trip arrived, on August 11th, 2017, I got on the plane and arrived in Panama. It felt like a dream. I was in a place where nobody spoke Portuguese. My ears searched for references and found none. People seemed to walk fast, while I felt like I was in slow motion. There I understood that I was alone and that everything I had planned needed to work. While writing this text, my eyes still fill with tears when I remember that moment.

But the truth is that no matter how much we plan, real life usually finds a way to be different.

Today, looking back, I understand that none of this started with a big plan. It started with small surprises, that led me to small decisions in moments of great uncertainty.

I didn't have experience or references, but I had more than enough desire to continue. And even without having any idea where this would take me, the most important thing was allowing myself to be open to new possibilities. Because on the way, you might end up discovering worlds, desires, and abilities you didn't even know existed.

Oh… and if you want to know what happened in Panama and Colombia, I'll tell you the details in a next post.